[Header] Format= ML Description= Lawyer Jokes Default1=x Default2=x [Data] Why won't a shark attack a lawyer swimming in the ocean? Professional courtesy. Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and New York all the lawyers? New Jersey had first pick. You are in a room with a mass murderer, a terrorist and a lawyer. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice. What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline. How do you tell if a lawyer is actually dead? Hold out your wallet. (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred) Did you hear about the lion walking through the woods eating deer droppings? He had just eaten a lawyer and was trying to get the taste out of his mouth! What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish. What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances. Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery. A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner? What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a pig? Nothing there are just some things a pig won't do. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Vultures can't take their wing tips off. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Vultures wait 'till you're dead to rip your heart out. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? Vultures will eat the skunk. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? Skid marks in front of the skunk! What is a criminal lawyer? Redundant. What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good. What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman pinscher. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue. How can you tell when your lawyer is lying? His lips move. How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners. What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. What is the first thing you should do if you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement? Get more cement. Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet deep after they die? Because deep, deep, deep down, they are really nice people. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures. How do you know if a lawyer is cold? He has his hands in his own pockets. Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder and the other one to sue the ladder company. What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? Another lawyer Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick. What's the difference between a lawyer and a cold-blooded snake with a guilty conscience? The conscience. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand. What is the difference between God and a lawyer? God does not think he is a lawyer. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt? The bucket! Why are scientists turning to lawyers, instead of rats, for laboratory experiments? 1. There are more of them. 2. Scientists don't get as emotionally attached to them. 3. There are some things even a rat won't do! A serial killer, a con artist and a lawyer fall off the roof of a 10-story building. Who hits the ground first? Who cares! What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn. How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture? Just say FEES!! A young attorney was not getting many clients and was afraid that his career was going nowhere. All of a sudden, Satan appeared and said, "I've got a deal for you. I'll make you a rich and famous lawyer. You'll live in a mansion, drive a Rolls Royce, and travel in your own private jet. In return, I get your soul, and also the souls of your parents, your children, your wife, your dog and all your good friends." The lawyer furrowed his brow and thought hard for several minutes. Finally he turned to Satan and said: "All right, what's the catch?" A man happened upon a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Smith, A good man and a Lawyer." The man read it and asked: When did they start putting two people in one grave? ...And then there were the terrorists who hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They threatened to release one each hour until their demands were met. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were drowning, and you could only save one of them... Would you go to lunch or read the newspaper? How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof? It depends on how thinly you slice them. What is the difference between a lawyer and a pothole? People don't run over the same pothole more than once How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope. Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? No?... Good! The young attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell. He was told, "We have all of the judges." A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. Why don't lawyers go to the beach? Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.